change of venue?

since chiyo is not happy at all about the games being the weekend of the 23rd, i was thinking we could consider a change of venue. i may be able to host the games at my remote yet gorgeous location in central pa. would people object to coming an our and half from leesport to newport (new as in the new venue for KPMG) for this year's games?

About the date

Also, I forgot to ask if we could maybe have the games on a Sunday instead of a Saturday? I dont think I would be able to make the games on Saturday because of coaching, we have scrimmages on the Saturday of both of the weekends we are considering. If we had them on Sunday, either weekend would work fine for me.

KPG Events

Okay I agree with most of what Brooks said. However, I think that horseshoes definately needs to stay in the games unless something better can replace it. Its a staple of the lawn game culture.

Also, I would be okay with replacing Frisbee Golf, but I would also mention that I think Frisbee golf is definately more fun than tetherball. My reason for it being a strong event is the same reason Brooks thinks its a weak one... the element of luck actually gives it more parity. I think in the past three years we have had three different Frisbee golf winners, which is a good thing in my mind. However, like I said, I would be fine with replacing it with something awesome such as the scavenger hunt.

DATE

ok feckers - whats the date? we say august 23rd due to team availability.


also - who is team 5?

Greatest Post Ever

Flight Club

Apparently I have been assumed trapped/lost in some 1950's clusterfuck. I want to set the story straight right now. I have been involved in Laser pointer-based attacks on commercial airplane pilots as part of a plot to stop all flights in former British colonies, thus paralyzing their economies. I could not disclose my movements because I was covertly establishing a new Cell of what I call "Flight Club". I spent about a week in mid February in Quebec recruiting new members and assisting in the procurement of the necessary Laser pointers and all black outfits. You may have seen some of my previous teaching/recruiting work in this Reuters article from the beginning of March

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSN0621886420080307?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews&rpc=69

This is a picture taken by me of one of my lieutenants in Quebec in action (note that the plane is beginning to turn away, aborting the landing):
Since then, I was working again on recruiting, this time in the outskirts of Syndey, Australia. It took me a substantially longer time obtain the necessary Laser pointers because I became too lackadasical in my security measures, leading to this:

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSSYD18105220080421?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews

Also, since the law enforcing authorities in Australia do not wear the same bright red getups as the Canadian Mounted Police, I had several of the Laser pointers I could obtain confiscated. The following picture (from the black box of a plane that nearly crashed as a result of one of my newest recruits) is one of the key pieces of evidence that was used to ban Laser pointers in New South Wales:
I am currently planning recruiting/training trips to South Africa, New Zealand and eventually India. And of course, I work almost non-stop when I'm Stateside in Leesport and the Reading area, State College PA, Blacksburg VA and occaisionally Annapolis and Baltimore MD.

Go fuck yourselves bastages!

New Poll

Yo bitches we all know Kirby ain't no God. Well, two peolpe know. So the next poll I need to see on this bitch is "What date would be best for you to participate in the games?" Get on it!

If you guys fuck me over I am got two guys that want me on their team for the Ichiro Suzuki games!

you worthless excuses for former panther (pride)

if you people are seriously too fat to play tetherball, then you are truly fat fucks. tetherball is a good closer. but, after some analysis, here is what i have concluded:

it seems that, despite the random nature of game selection, current and past choices for the games have fallen into a few distinct categories (anna solved this equation for me).

1. luck games - games involving miniscule amounts of talent or experience, but ultimately being more influenced by natural elements. games falling into this category are bocce, frisbee golf, croquet, and i would say horseshoes, except it falls into a later category.

2. semi-athletic games - games that require some degree of physical exertion and possibly additional skill. tetherball, as we've noticed, badminton, doubles minton, and physical strength games like tug of war would fall in here as well.

3. finesse games - those games that are usually dominated by one player or a couple who have an innate ability or lots of practice. these are ping pong and horseshoes (mostly because nobody can touch me in shoes).

4. strategy and brains - obviously, risk and trivial pursuit, although selection of teams for badminton could fall into this category due to the nature of the sport.


that said, here's what i think about them.

frisbee golf is a shitty game. it's always played as an afterthought while other games are going on, and one errant throw can ruin your standings. plus, it's practically the same game as bocce, but with frisbees. get rid of it.

tetherball can be a solid showcase and a prime opportunity to make fun of the less athletic competitors. i like it, and i think you fat bastards can suck it up for 5 minutes of ball swinging.

i love horseshoes, but i destroy everyone in it, and it seems like a downer most of the time. despite the fact that i would most likely earn my team a victory in this game, it's too one-sided, and thus, not fun.

so - what i think we need is a pretty even distribution of the different types of games. if we had the adventure race thing, it would be a good balance of athleticism and strategy and finesse. tug of war would be quick and fun, and i think teams are fairly well-balanced with strength. i think we eliminate frisbee golf and shoes, without replacing golf because we have games like it. replace shoes with something sort of similar but cooler, and add the race and tug of war. and fucking keep tetherball you douchebags.


also, august 23rd is my vote or i need a new team. its one week after the 16th, and the weekend of the trois tournament, so other sv folk will be home at the time.

chiyo's concern

after a visit from chiyo and dane this weekend, they have some concerns about hosting the event. apparently they originally thought they had told dane no more KPMG ever again. but then chiyo said if we did some work in the yard, she'd be fine with it. so maybe we do like 4 hours of cleanup/patio making for chiyo. just letting youze know.

ged

What a Pussy

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3352068

Kellen Clemens is a pathetic bitch. Does he really believe that the Pope is a descendant of Peter? Fucking Christ people are retarded. Then he fucking cries like a little bitch.

Can we have a blessing ceremony this year? Moerder you can bless us all in your Gandalf outfit while adorning your face with Puckett's picture...then we can burn you in a Viking funeral ceremony...

Tetherball

Dane,

My personal feeling is that maybe if we can think of a really good event, like the already-mentioned Leesport scavenger hunt or something else, we should replace tetherball. Maybe I feel this way because I get destroyed in the tetherball competition every year, but I just feel like it is by far the weakest event in the KPG lineup.

Also, the second weekend in August would work fine for me. Miller, can you tell us some stories about when you worked at the apple orchard? My personal favorite was when you jerked off in the truck or under the apple tree or wherever it was.

Library this!

Mock my librarianism all you want you metal ball throwing turd licker. Well guess what fuckwad, with a little help from a guy called George Boole, I found Ner, you put throwing Trekkie. Thats right, with a little "Ner" AND "Where the fuck is he?" OR "WTF Happened to Ner" NOT "Nerf or nothing" my database spit out the goods.

Ner went back to the 1950s to watch Harry Houdini get out of a straight jacket while dangling from a rope. He thought it'd be a quick in and out job. Boy was he wrong.

He is currently stuck in this clusterfuck and isn't getting out anytime soon. So my mock my skills all you want sissy bitch who is scared of running in a thunderstorm.

Oh and when I am not being a fucking librarian I am in da fucking woods being manly. Which means I actually won't be out of the woods until August 18th. So, if you don't want my manliness at the games go ahead and hold the games on the second weekend. But if you wanna lose to the only man clever enough to find Ner than delay the games til I get back.

Go fuck yourselves gumshoes!

Where the fuck is Ner?

Hafer, I am sick of your stupid library inspired posts. Then next time I see you, I will fucking hang you by the hair in your clean ass crack (see picture of Hafer squatting on the toilet). The unification of the elementary schools was a debacle. Next thing we know, there will be a unification of North America and the currency will be called the Amero...and Mexicans will be allowed to vote for our leader. FUCK.

Does anyone want tetherball in this year's games? I think we should have an exhibition event. Perhaps we could have a contest where we add up the weight of the women we have slept with and whoever has the highest, wins. I suspect Carl may be victorious, I have bedded many a heifer but none in comparison to our tater tot penis friend, Andy Carl.

Will the second week of August work for everyone?

And....WHERE THE FUCK IS NER?!?!?!

What really happened.

Although my comment on Mil-Mil's post may seem accurate, the real story is as follows. Although my obvious mental talents were apparent through my shiny stars plastered upon the lengthy chart below the chalkboard, my physical talents were going unnoticed. I had heard that there existed a special gym class in which athletic peolple were allowed to attend instead of going to class. Brooks Miller was a part of this unusual cult. Now through my keen pre-pubescent detective skills I discovered that Mr. Butterwick was leading this cult of children athletes. Boy was I wrong. (Never trust a 7 year old to do detective work for you.)

What was really going on was Uglug (Leader of the Isengard Uruk-hai) had come to Bern Elementary in search for a strategist to lead his black orcs to the shire. Well B-mil thought he could bargain with Ulug. He proposed that he would deliver a full proof plan to lay waste to the shire if Ulug and the Uruk-hai took a brief stop at center school and obliterated it. (Miller wanted a unified elementary system. His ambitions would later come to fruition in the mid 90s.) Well Ulug was not much for bargaining, so I offer you this photo of the occurence that happened moments before Brooks walked into the class room on that fateful day.

kudos to roger barker's mention

i don't know what's more impressive - mark's reference to roger barker, considering hafer only got to bern township elementary halfway through the year that saw the exit of roger barker, or the fact that hafer reminds every single person we both meet that i was crying like a bitch in mrs. tranquillo's class the first day he met me. just so we're clear, i was only crying because school was so fucking easy for me it was unbearable, considering my relative 7 year-old genius. or maybe it was because my glow-in-the-dark sweatshirt of stars and planets wasn't working. either way, it was totally justified.

on a serious note. what does everyone think of steering the games a more "mature" direction? by this, of course, i don't mean stop talking trash or anything. i mean, why don't we play for something concrete? each team has a "registration fee," which is basically just a donation they raise on their own, and each team has a charity they favor. whoever wins, their charity wins as well. so for example, dane will argue for the humane society so pegleg, food-hiding, couch-burrowing mutts like anton continue to find homes, while carl will argue for the center for the preservation of lesser-known schuylkill valley athletes from 2002-2007. they'll have to hash it out amongst themselves.

i figure since we have the dedicated experience of veteran "canner" matt mccowan, we'll easily be able to paint our faces and raise some dough for a worthy cause (go state!). this will allow us to do some interesting things. in my experience with beer festivals, i've learned that charity events pretty much allow you to get money for absolutely anything. i.e. beer festivals can get an otherwise impossible-to-get liquor license in downtown public areas simply because they're donating to charity. if we found someone with a decent camera and some iVideo (or whatever its called) skillz, we could also make a commemorative dvd of each year's events, documenting the shit-talking through the championship. all because it's for charity. also, sponsorship for things like those t-shirts we talked about would be way easier - and maybe i could even get a small beer donation from troegs (or maybe not). anyway, it's worth a look. MULL it over and let me know...


and go tickle your own taints. cheers!

The Formula

Oh I get it theres a formula to making funny KPMG blog posts. It goes like this.

1. Find the first picture that comes up when you type in Schuylkill Valley. (I'll use the second picture in this case). Check

2. Mention key locales - Hmm Lake Ontalaunee, Herbines (thats retro for Ozzy's. Bonus Points!), the area behind the Somat. Check

3. Make obscure references to people that are either: A - key figures in your years at SV or B - so obscure people say "Oh shit I completely forgot about that bitch!" I'm gonna go with B. Watchout post '00 grads you may actually have no clue who I am talking about. Roger Barker and Teresa Wesner. Check

4. Now tell your story. It should probably be related to the games but it doesn't have to be. Oh and your picture doesn't have to relate to your story either. So you essentially just have to be a total douchebag. try and use big words so you sound smart and if someone posts a comment about how stupid you are just turn it back on them but add "..your face.." somewhere in there because "your mom" is old. Pun intended. Here goes.

Yo guys for the games what we should do is have everyone start on one side of lake ontelaunee and build a raft and then paddle to the other side. And then uh Dane can throw Roger Barker over the fence at Herbines and he can steal go-karts that we can race back to Miller's house. Where the final event is a Bukake fest and the first one to nut on Teresa Wesner's face wins.

AP Newswire: Will Kirby's Games Go On Amid Tibet Upheaval?

DAUBERVILLE (Reuters) - Dauberville's large Chinese American community is divided about the KPMG torch's passage through their city on Wednesday, with some saying protesting the symbol headed to their ancestral home could prove an embarrassing distraction.

"A majority of Chinese Americans are proud of China in the way they have raised the standard of living," said Bob Voelker, who practiced as a doctor in the city's Chinatown for 43 years before retiring two years ago.

"Leesport used to be called the sick man of Asia and for them to be hosting the Kirby Puckett Memorial Games is something they take pride in," he continued through a drunken slur outside of the Village. But then he mentioned the controversy over Leesport's control of Tibet. "They put more money in Tibet than they take out. It's not like Tibet is full of oil." He then rode off in a feverish pace to get back to work in time for his 11am start at SVHS.

Leesport's crackdown on anti-government protests in Tibet last month has drawn sharp international criticism and clouded preparations for the Memorial Games.

Dauberville is the most Chinese of any large American city, with nearly 20 percent of its population of Chinese descent, and thus a logical choice to host the only U.S. torch stop en route to the former Twins' memorial games which start in August.

Yet famously liberal Dauberville has long been a hotbed of political protest, from the Vietnam War in the 1960s to the hiring of Chris Gallo as basketball coach in recent years. Groups concerned about Tibet as well as those focused on Darfur, Africa, say the Dauberville torch run is perfect place to complain about Chinese policies.

"I think the Puckett torch now provides an ideal opportunity for global civil society to mobilize support for their causes and appeals," said Michael Pihanich, a human rights activist and Miami Heat dance team member.

"What's happening in Tibet only makes this fact even more intensified and focused," he continued. "It is inevitable that this event, the Puckett torch, becomes a focus for all kinds of protesters to deliver their messages to Chinese government as well."

I am the Prophet of God

Listen, we all know I am the Prophet of God. I know some of you are thinking, "Muaaah, Prophets were so 2000 years ago." (yes, I know I used this on my blog earlier) but still. I am the most dominant player in the history of KPMG. Never has my team finished lower than 2nd and my team is always in the title hunt. This is because of my dominance and extra skin on my penis. The Power has recognized that I am the most natural individual in the games (Brooks has a tattoo). I shall forever control and dominate these games.

This years games:
1. 5 teams of three.
2. Maybe only one day of games followed by a huge fucking party.
3. The games have to be on a Saturday.
4. Ner is the Warden who makes all final rulings and judgements.
5. Tug of War?
6. This is Malones last chance for the games.
7. Brooks has to show up on time.
8. I am crucified and rise from the dead at the end of the games and then walk on water.

A six-step idea for the Opening Ceremonies

(1) Carl stands on a platform above a giant balance scale and starts shaving his body. When enough hair drops onto the scale, it tips and hits a tuning fork. (2) Heins hears the tuning fork's pitch and begins singing an incredibly loud note next to a huge glass of tequila. Soon the glass breaks, sending tequila running directly into (3) White's mouth, who's standing beneath it. When White's done drinking the tequila, he gets drunk and gets into an SUV. He drives about a quarter mile before (4) crashing into a canopy shielding Bauer from the sun's harmful UV rays. Bauer instantly turns red from sunburn, causing a bull at a nearby farm to start charging towards him. (5) Ner finds this so hilarious that he throws Bauer the hook. Attached to Ner's hook is a magnifying glass, which, at its raised level, (6)causes the sun's rays to heat up the KPMG torch, situated right next to Ner. 7) The games begin.

The Humor is Lacking?

Check out this guy! He got a worm in his eye! AHAHAHAHA LMAO LOL ROFL FUCKING HILARIOUS!

some ground rules for punks

since we now have chumps from all sides posting up in this j, it's time to start laying some shit down.

1. midget humor is so 2003. including fat midget humor. get creative carl, your sense of humor has to have matured by now, i've seen glimmers of hope in the past, but this regression, while a plus for its use of singlets, is juvenile.

2. chris beissel is not funny

3. the level of competition we're looking to foster here is serious. these bastards make us look like a bunch of candyasses. get on it.

4. the power of the hook is devastating. take a look at the waste lain upon these jokers' faces:

"please, put that hook away," reasoned ted

after having herr k's hook forcefully thrown in their faces, they clearly endured no less than two others, with a possible third, a rare "thumb hook" thrown by the obviously experienced hook-tossing broad in the black sweater:

"i ain't puttin this hook away fer shit, professor plaid. hawks, what!"

now that we have a better understanding of the rules, maybe we can make some progress here. or maybe i have to get all hamburg up in this shit. you decide.

Herr Ka: Berks County Neo Nazi Chapter President

...or he's pissed about drunks and druggies (White, Adam Beissel, The Ultimate Warrior) flocking to his neighborhood streets.


Auf Wiedersehen, rehab.


O, and um, RIP Kirby.

Great essay, Moerder!

My favorite part of Noam's historical reflection was when he described the random black bartender doing flips in the background. Also does anybody else suspect from the deep, soulful voice that Rick Astley is actually a black man wearing a "white guy" suit for his performances?

Cool Article I found in New York Times

Check out this interesting Noam Chomsky essay on the history of tetherball...

"The Playground's Hegemony" - Chomsky

Hey Fuckers

Some great new ideas mentioned so far... navigating the pump trolley while wearing a fake mustache and barbershop-quartet era clothing would be good. Also, the wilderness race and/or scavenger hunt around Schuylkill Valley/Leesport would be awesome. It would have to be created by an impartial member, and not somebody with, oh lets say two children invested in the games. Actually, I think teams should be selected in a less arbitrary fashion this season as well. As was previously mentioned, I have little chemistry with Hines or Walborn, and I test Bauer with every fiber of my being. A team consisting of myself, Moerder, and White would not only foster pride of the White Oak Circle, but it would also lead to more intense competition. The games should both begin and conclude with Dane spreading his glorious asshole for all the world (mostly the females) to see. Speaking of females Dane, remember when you made Janelle Garipoli watch that porno in your basement of that fat bald guy wearing the cockring? She had such a look of terror in her eyes.

Outfits for the Games (with Turbins as a given)

While all of the events generated here on this lovely forum (thank you, Moerder) are swell, I think we really need to step up on uniforms.

Since the majority of the KPMGer's are in this blog, we have ample time to come up with an amazing opening ceremony, but more importantly, outfits that will finally make the Staus' pack up their Mormon paraphernalia and hit the road.

While the outfits to my left are quite tempting, I will ultimately be compared to the guy searching for my tootsie roll. And while I don't necessarily mind being ridiculed for my mediocre meat, teal is not a good color for me.

I suggest the following outfits for the 5(?) teams. Pirates outfits (noble pirates, not swashbucklers), Ms. Otto, Mrs. Sterner, and the lesbian swimming instructor, the old ladies who serve me BBQ at Schell's, and past irrelevant SV wrestlers ( I call Jason Kreider).