Dane, can you please clarify something for me?

There seems to be some confusion over who won Puckett's Bucket at this year's Games.

I remember something about Adam Moerder and his cheating friends stealing what would have been our second Bucket a few years ago and I just wanted to make sure it hadn't happened again.

Thanks.

Highlights

Savage did indeed break his arm. Moerder can suck one, we were fucking dominating from start to finish and I am strong enough to lift the entire Team Mayo (BMI: 42). AND WHO HAS THE FUCKING BUCKET!!!! I think Hafer is training right now, attempting to defeat the great Bauer in jousting. I will say that JOUSTING IS HERE TO STAY!!! BOOM!!! Another highlight is my team winning the bucket.

The Saddest Moment of the Games

Remember when Team Mayo (aka Team BMI:42) won and they were all too fat to lift each other in celebration?

Highlights of the game.

Here are my top 5 highlights of the game.

1. Dane after the games. Any and everything that came out of his mouth.
2. Nate Bauer and his unprecedented ability to master something. G'hed you joust King!
3. Dan Savage injuring his wrist on a premature celebration. What an idiot.
4. Jroski having to go into the freaking play house to score Trivial Pursuit.
5. White puking behind the bushes.


Here are pictures that don't really capture any of these highlights. Enjoy.

http://picasaweb.google.com/MarkHafer/KirbyPucketMemorialGames2008

We will fucking see

The games inch one day closer. The court is freshly mowed, there are now obstacles on the frisbee golf course and I have been meditating for 8-10 hours a day, preparing for the mind grueling times of the Games.

I am reserving a quarter keg of Reading at the Brew Thru for after the Games. Everyone will donate to the pot if that is ok? Fucking, run it.

War. Peace. Harmony. These are the Kirby Puckett Memorial Games.

read 'em and (secret) weap(on)

oh shit, steez.

me and hafer got some tricks up the sleeves fa rull. stamm is OUT. youze'll never guess who number three is (the first half of kirby's number). he's FIERCE, he's NASTY, and if i giVe any more HINTS, you'll know WHO i am talking ABOUT!

so just be ready for team paul strubeck on saturday, because we turnin shit OVA!

i don't know what most of this MEANS!!!

Why we play the Games....

Kirby Puckett Memorial

There's Only One August

A message from Dane Cook...

"KPMG7: Puckett's Revenge. That's Kirbinald Puckett Memorial Games, the seventh. A lot's goin' down in Chiyo's backyard. You got Team Dane, with Bauer and Carl, the Italian sub. He's filled with mayonnaise. Can they reverse the curse? You got Team White Oak, headed by defending champs Moerder and White. They're hungry for a repeat sandwich. You got Brooks' team, which will probably have at least one guy who's gotten fatter since high school. Can they arrive on time this year? Then you got another team that we don't know yet. A champion will be crowned on Saturday. Boys will be made into men. Someone will bring taco salad. Cuz there's only one Puckett's Bucket. There's only one leg missing on Dane's cat. There's only one AUGUST."

Feck Youze

hey taint-ticklin zucchini munchers: stop putting otto on my fucking team.

if otto wants to play so goddamn bad get him a fucking team.

double O is gonna rip shit, and i mean way more than ass type shit.

also:
trivial pursuit should be in the games. it's the quickest event and it's worth it. feck yezall.

New Lineup

I believe Mat Malone may not be attending. This is part of the rumor mill, so Heins you could help me out with this. If he is not, then the almighty Merv will be in attendance. Here is the new lineup of competitors. McCowan is also a slight possibility.

Team 1: Me, Bauer and Carl
Team 2: Heins, Walborn and Malone or Merv
Team 3: Brooks, Hafer and probably Stamm or Otto
Team 4: Moerder, C. Beissel and White or McCowan

I think it would be better to include Otto over Stamm since he has already participated but we will see. We could also just throw Otto onto Team 4 and nix White and McCowan. McCowan recently emailed me and he is not even positive he could make the Games. His commitment disturbs me.

Games and tentative schedule:
Croquet
Jousting
Bocce combined with Badminton Doubles
Badminton Singles combined with Horseshoes
Frisbee Golf (new course design?)
Tug of War (no cleats)
Trivial Pursuit

Are we playing Trivial Pursuit? Any votes?

The Games start at 10AM, sharp. If Brooks is late he is no longer invited. I believe he will be staying at the hallowed grounds the night before, so his lateness should be impossible.

Phek Hugh

I am back in the area of the Hallowed Grounds. You are all hopelessly preparing. This is a new fucking dawn.....SONS!!! Here is a new list of players...

Brooks, Hafer, (Stamm?, Otto?)
Moerder, Chris Beissel, White? Is White in or what? I believe McCowan is out.
Heins, Malone, Walborn
Me, Bauers, A. Carl

What am I missing? Also, the Yo demands that we try to keep our swearing down from 4-7 because Stephen Stauss is having an open house for his wedding.

finally dane gets noticed by ESPN

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncaa/recruiting/basketball/mens/news/story?id=3220576\

Also, the hot weather this week is reminding me of KPMG season. DO we have an order of events to optimize the time and mood of the competitors? Let's open it up for discussion so dane here can throw in his two cents.


Andy that was the lamest post I've ever read.

Mickelson, Memorial Games Pair Up for Summer of Kirby

AP Newswire (Leesport)- Famed southpaw golfer Phil Mickelson announced today a 5 year partnership with the Kirby Puckett Memorial Games. The financial terms of the contract were not disclosed, but are said to be around 3 trays of taco dip and a $50 Sheetz gift card.

Mickelson seemed quite excited for the partnership. "I took a look at the roster for the Games and I feel I have quite a few similarities with the competitors. I have huge man breasts and so do several of the competitors. Anytime a good pair of banana tits show athletic prowess, I want to be involved."

When asked about his rooting interests, "Lefty" was quick with his answer. "The team of Dane, Bauer, and Andy have the nicest set of tits this side of the Mississippi. You gotta love those racks. Plus, I have an immense amount of foreskin, so you know where my allegiance lie."

The Kirby Puckett Memorial Games begin August 23rd, with pre-game coverage starting the night before at 7 PM on BCTV followed by Polka with the Riveredge. All proceeds from the Games go to the Former Dutch Touch Employees of Berks County Assoc. (FDTEBCA)
-AP-

I have too much time on my hands.

New Poll Posted

I have a feeling the results will not be surprising...

You Can't Top This!

Look I'm gonna end this BC vs. NY fued once and for all. First of all who cares if BC has a buncha fucking woods ... You aren't livin' in 'em. Shit, I could go into a fort that Andy Sokolovich and I built in his forest behind his house and be in more of a backcountry than you. 2) New York not only has Hell's Angels and Bears; it has bears that are members of Hell's Angels. I win, game over, shut up, lick my balls.

P.S.

Wednesday is my last day in civilization so if you have a comeback you better act fast (like a bear on a motorcycle fast).

Summer Update

I hinted, in a comment on Nate's post, as to what I will be doing this summer in preparation for the KPMG. Well here is a little taste of what it looks like. I actually got an endorsement for my exquisite work with bears from John West Salmon Co. But I blew it all at Atlantic City. Not on gambling. I bought, what I thought was a 1982 original Optimus Prime still in the box. However when the 17 bottles of Mad Dog 20/20 wore off I realized I had been duped into buying a GoBot named Road Ranger.

Life update

Hey guys I just wanted to catch everyone up on what I've been doing with myself lately since none of you have bothered to keep in touch with me or show any interest in my life.

Which leads me to address Dane's comments following my first blog post ever yesterday.

I do in fact eat raw meat in the form of Wegman's sushi and no, I no longer use PAM cooking spray which I think is probably good for both my health as well as the environment.

I am in fact ready to claim my second* KPG crown this summer, and am in the midst of a training regime that includes cutting back on my alcohol consumption (I don't really have a choice, all my friends graduated and/or are gone for the summer) as well as eating more fish and olive oil.

* - we all know that McCowan and Moerder are winners by technicality despite an underwhelming performance in the summer of 2005.

As long as I'm re-living the past... how about that topped ringer?

Who would have thought that Andy Carl and I would eventually become fat friends and ultimately teammates?

And with that, I'm off to the Chesapeake for some sailing action with my buddy and former KPG contestant, Andy Schell.

Here's to a safe and enjoyable weekend, Dane and Carl.

The rest of you can fuck yourselves.

First of all....

If I had already been invited to this blog before and completely forgot about it, please excuse me.

If I had not been invited to this blog before, then fuck all of you.

Only through seeing that Adam Moerder had a new profile picture on facebook while pretending to work and listening to Love in this Club Remix did I stumble upon this blog. Looks promising.

That's all I have to say.

~Nate Bauer

leader jersey

i think this one is pretty obvious... how do we afford them?




i think the cheapest i saw these was 129 on ebay. we could settle for the minnesota pinstripes, but how the hell can you deny that baby blue? maybe whoever wins the games gets to wear them the whole next year. it's one hell of an incentive to win. then you can throw it in the face of the losers whenever you come home.

KPMG Leader Shirt

I was thinking we could get a few Kirby Puckett jerseys and perhaps use them as the leader shirt. Each member of the current leading team would sport the Puckett jersey, a la Tour de France. We could tally points after each event to figure out who would sport the proper wear.

P.S. Hahn is a shitty KPMG contestant. He was absolutely horrific in 1 and 2 and has the attention span of a lab rat. Although, I would like to hear some Japo banter during the games.

Malone: In or Out?

Has anyone talked to Malone? Heins or Joe Camel, is he going to play or is he out?

Ner's Statue

So first off, is it fair to say that for ToW and Joust that bare feet are the only allowed shoe wear? No advantages from cleats or anything else. Is jousting strictly a pulling game or is there strategy of dropping the rope and what not?

I believe that we should make a formal memorial for Kirby Puckett and perhaps even a burial site for his ashes. Also, since Ner will not be in attendance I think we should create a statue for him. The said statue will have Ner throwing the hook with each extremity of his body. He will be saying, "Go A-Fucking-Head" and will either be carrying the KPMG torch or holding his infamous laser that will never be turned off. Any ideas what we can make it out of?

Ged.

Tugs or Jousts

In light of the new poll, let's clear this up for good. Are we going to do official tug of war, demonstrated above by Moerder and his former squad at the distinguished alma mater, or are we jousting, shown below. Jousting is the aforementioned (by me and hafer) hippie-style of tugging, a much more finesse game (as demonstrated by the finesse-oriented physique of the other Harvard alum modeling the joust), and maybe more fair, but the traditional tug allows the entire team to compete at once. Votes?

How were we not invited to this?!?!

And to think, I was considering choosing P. Diddy as my team's third member...

If Malone cant come

This is who we will be adding if Malone cant make it, just thought id run it by the fat/skinny council first.

In Defense of Frisbee Golf

Since there's been a lot of grumbling and hand-wringing over what's to be done with frisbee golf, i will offer up a defense. Feel free to respond if you feel any of the points I make are pretty much bullshit.



1) Time-effectiveness

Frisbee golf takes about a minute to set up, and the event moves pretty quickly since every team competes at once. I think we plowed through it in like half an hour last year, which means more time for drinking and wassailing later in the night.

2) Competitiveness

Frisbee golf has been pretty awesome in that the scores are close and many games come down to the final hole. Also tie-breakers are real nail-biters, as a single throw of the frisbee can cause a two point swing, crucial in these Kirby Puckett Games. Also, as I mentioned in tenet one, having all four teams compete at once in an event is always desired more than having to rotate two teams in at a time like in bocce, shoes, 'minton, etc.

3) Parity/Randomness

While someone like Ner may have a Matrix-like ability to manipulate a frisbee's flight path, most of us are fairly even when it comes to huckin' the disc. The true test is how one responds to stimuli like trees, wind, the tree house, and Chiyo's bizarre garden decorations. This differs from events like Badminton that are determined more by acquired skill than instinct or inherent ability, as some of us have practiced the event so much in the last seven years that the court looks like a tundra. I know some people may really dislike randomness in the games, but I don't see frisbee golf as much more random than bocce or croquet. There's an undeniable strategy to the event. Plus, randomness isn't always a terrible thing. My big beef with tug of war (an event I support being in the games, mind you) is that you can probably predict with pretty high accuracy (at least compared to other events) who's going to win the event before it starts based on the size and strength of each team. I don't think that's a huge problem, but I think it's always nice to balance more deterministic games like ToW with games utilizing skills most of us don't use all the time.

That's basically my argument. I also would posit this: Why not include it in the games? I have not heard a good reason other than basically "it's gay" and "it's boring" and "it's the same game as bocce," which you could say about most of these events. IT'S A LAWN GAME TOURNAMENT, not the X-Games, these games are supposed to be gay and boring and involve throwing/hitting some object close to another one.

And a question: Is "Beissel" Brent Beissel or Chris?

The Elway Games

I think these games should be KPMG 7: The Elway Games.

And now that we have a date, let the discussion begin on the games themselves.

croquet
badminton (doubles and singles)
quoits or shoes?
frisbee golf
Trivial pursuit?
Bocce
Tug of War?

I like TP, and I think ToW should be introduced. I could live without frisbee golf or shoes, and I'd rather see golf go. I still think tetherball is too good an event to let go, but if I must I will say goodbye. I take shoes over quoits, if we have to do one of them. I think the scavenger hunt is a bad idea - anytime you have people leave the Slater Rd compound, you risk not completing the games. It has the potential to get out of control and waste an assload of much-needed time.

Will someone make a good case for frisbee golf please? I see no reason to have it in the games. My vote would be:

'quet
'minton (s&d)
'shoes
TP
'ce
ToW
Adventure race

with tetherball as a tiebreaker.

The Council has Spoken

After discussion with the Council of Elders (Moerder and I), the official date of the Kirby Puckett Memorial Games : 7 is.....Saturday, August 23rd at 10 AM. Early arrival is recommended.

Teams:
Me, Bauer and Carl
Brooks, Riegal and Hafer
Moerder, McCowan and Rowe/Brent Beissel?
Malone, Heins and Walborn
Otto, Chris Beissel and White or Brent Beissel?

Any suggestions in regards to the teams are highly recommended. The day before we will have a volunteer get-together to prepare the hallowed lands and clean up the yard for The 'Yo. This will provide the grounds with proper feng shui for the event. Also, I recommend we have a serious fucking party Saturday night.

Now, I believe we should lay out the games:
croquet
badminton (doubles and singles)
quoits or shoes?
frisbee golf
Trivial pursuit?
Bocce
Tug of War?

I cannot think of the other games. I think 8 games is good for a days work. (Please, when pronouncing the games with the question marks...please say them as though it is a question.)

War. Peace. Harmony. These my friends, are the Kirby Puckett Memorial Games.

I've seen my template for posts have gone by the way side. I haven't seen a decent SV grad.'s name in writing for days.

Ok, here is what I was suggesting we do. I think that late in to August isn't swell. Dane told me if we have it that late in August it won't be permitted at Chiyo's domain because classes start the next Monday for her. I think, above all things, we do anything to accommodate The 'Yo so we can have it in its rightful venue. Also, my aforementioned statement about wanting it on a Saturday remains the same.

My vote, August 16th.

Rock the Vote!

Since I think we finally proved Kirby Puckett was a god, I just changed the poll. Not sure if those are the dates we should be choosing, but g'ed and hang your clucker out (please vote)!

DATE AND TEAMS - VOTE

OK - Murder is a bad blog hoster. Vote in the comments section

My vote is for Sat Aug 22nd, and my team is Hafer and Riegel (Stamm alternate).

Worst Post Ever

So after that horrible attempt to do something remotely productive by Carl I would like to add a revision to my baby punting idea. Miller, thinks we should go with a much safer form of baby related sports. His suggestion is baby curling. I know the ice on Ontelaunee might be a bit thin in August, so we might just grease up Miller's kitchen floor. Or maybe rent an alley at Berks Lanes. And I know what your thinking. Well if we are gonna do that why don't we just have baby bowling. Believe my I tried. They rarely make it out of the ball return.

Solid Plans.

Ok, so after giving it some thought after a discussion with Dane, I think it would suck to have the games the weekend of the 23rd. Also, Sunday doesn't seem like a good idea because the Saturday night, post-game get together is as big of an event as the games itself.

So we need to get a solid date and definite team rosters together so we can establish team base camps, training facilities, and endorsement deals.

On a lighter note.

I have a new contest for the games. The French call it "Coup de Bebe". It is a good mix of skill, athleticism and luck. You need a good strong leg, a bit of practice and of course how far the baby flies when you punt it is soley determined by the babies size, weight, demeanor and ability to sit still while you make your approach. I talked to Chio about it she said "Well if you guys are gonna punt babies and drink beer at my house then I would be more than happy to host the KPMG. For a minute I thought you fairies were gonna hang around here playing Trivial Pursuit and frisbee golf." So it sounds like a go!

change of venue?

since chiyo is not happy at all about the games being the weekend of the 23rd, i was thinking we could consider a change of venue. i may be able to host the games at my remote yet gorgeous location in central pa. would people object to coming an our and half from leesport to newport (new as in the new venue for KPMG) for this year's games?

About the date

Also, I forgot to ask if we could maybe have the games on a Sunday instead of a Saturday? I dont think I would be able to make the games on Saturday because of coaching, we have scrimmages on the Saturday of both of the weekends we are considering. If we had them on Sunday, either weekend would work fine for me.

KPG Events

Okay I agree with most of what Brooks said. However, I think that horseshoes definately needs to stay in the games unless something better can replace it. Its a staple of the lawn game culture.

Also, I would be okay with replacing Frisbee Golf, but I would also mention that I think Frisbee golf is definately more fun than tetherball. My reason for it being a strong event is the same reason Brooks thinks its a weak one... the element of luck actually gives it more parity. I think in the past three years we have had three different Frisbee golf winners, which is a good thing in my mind. However, like I said, I would be fine with replacing it with something awesome such as the scavenger hunt.

DATE

ok feckers - whats the date? we say august 23rd due to team availability.


also - who is team 5?

Greatest Post Ever

Flight Club

Apparently I have been assumed trapped/lost in some 1950's clusterfuck. I want to set the story straight right now. I have been involved in Laser pointer-based attacks on commercial airplane pilots as part of a plot to stop all flights in former British colonies, thus paralyzing their economies. I could not disclose my movements because I was covertly establishing a new Cell of what I call "Flight Club". I spent about a week in mid February in Quebec recruiting new members and assisting in the procurement of the necessary Laser pointers and all black outfits. You may have seen some of my previous teaching/recruiting work in this Reuters article from the beginning of March

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSN0621886420080307?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews&rpc=69

This is a picture taken by me of one of my lieutenants in Quebec in action (note that the plane is beginning to turn away, aborting the landing):
Since then, I was working again on recruiting, this time in the outskirts of Syndey, Australia. It took me a substantially longer time obtain the necessary Laser pointers because I became too lackadasical in my security measures, leading to this:

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSSYD18105220080421?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews

Also, since the law enforcing authorities in Australia do not wear the same bright red getups as the Canadian Mounted Police, I had several of the Laser pointers I could obtain confiscated. The following picture (from the black box of a plane that nearly crashed as a result of one of my newest recruits) is one of the key pieces of evidence that was used to ban Laser pointers in New South Wales:
I am currently planning recruiting/training trips to South Africa, New Zealand and eventually India. And of course, I work almost non-stop when I'm Stateside in Leesport and the Reading area, State College PA, Blacksburg VA and occaisionally Annapolis and Baltimore MD.

Go fuck yourselves bastages!

New Poll

Yo bitches we all know Kirby ain't no God. Well, two peolpe know. So the next poll I need to see on this bitch is "What date would be best for you to participate in the games?" Get on it!

If you guys fuck me over I am got two guys that want me on their team for the Ichiro Suzuki games!

you worthless excuses for former panther (pride)

if you people are seriously too fat to play tetherball, then you are truly fat fucks. tetherball is a good closer. but, after some analysis, here is what i have concluded:

it seems that, despite the random nature of game selection, current and past choices for the games have fallen into a few distinct categories (anna solved this equation for me).

1. luck games - games involving miniscule amounts of talent or experience, but ultimately being more influenced by natural elements. games falling into this category are bocce, frisbee golf, croquet, and i would say horseshoes, except it falls into a later category.

2. semi-athletic games - games that require some degree of physical exertion and possibly additional skill. tetherball, as we've noticed, badminton, doubles minton, and physical strength games like tug of war would fall in here as well.

3. finesse games - those games that are usually dominated by one player or a couple who have an innate ability or lots of practice. these are ping pong and horseshoes (mostly because nobody can touch me in shoes).

4. strategy and brains - obviously, risk and trivial pursuit, although selection of teams for badminton could fall into this category due to the nature of the sport.


that said, here's what i think about them.

frisbee golf is a shitty game. it's always played as an afterthought while other games are going on, and one errant throw can ruin your standings. plus, it's practically the same game as bocce, but with frisbees. get rid of it.

tetherball can be a solid showcase and a prime opportunity to make fun of the less athletic competitors. i like it, and i think you fat bastards can suck it up for 5 minutes of ball swinging.

i love horseshoes, but i destroy everyone in it, and it seems like a downer most of the time. despite the fact that i would most likely earn my team a victory in this game, it's too one-sided, and thus, not fun.

so - what i think we need is a pretty even distribution of the different types of games. if we had the adventure race thing, it would be a good balance of athleticism and strategy and finesse. tug of war would be quick and fun, and i think teams are fairly well-balanced with strength. i think we eliminate frisbee golf and shoes, without replacing golf because we have games like it. replace shoes with something sort of similar but cooler, and add the race and tug of war. and fucking keep tetherball you douchebags.


also, august 23rd is my vote or i need a new team. its one week after the 16th, and the weekend of the trois tournament, so other sv folk will be home at the time.

chiyo's concern

after a visit from chiyo and dane this weekend, they have some concerns about hosting the event. apparently they originally thought they had told dane no more KPMG ever again. but then chiyo said if we did some work in the yard, she'd be fine with it. so maybe we do like 4 hours of cleanup/patio making for chiyo. just letting youze know.

ged

What a Pussy

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3352068

Kellen Clemens is a pathetic bitch. Does he really believe that the Pope is a descendant of Peter? Fucking Christ people are retarded. Then he fucking cries like a little bitch.

Can we have a blessing ceremony this year? Moerder you can bless us all in your Gandalf outfit while adorning your face with Puckett's picture...then we can burn you in a Viking funeral ceremony...

Tetherball

Dane,

My personal feeling is that maybe if we can think of a really good event, like the already-mentioned Leesport scavenger hunt or something else, we should replace tetherball. Maybe I feel this way because I get destroyed in the tetherball competition every year, but I just feel like it is by far the weakest event in the KPG lineup.

Also, the second weekend in August would work fine for me. Miller, can you tell us some stories about when you worked at the apple orchard? My personal favorite was when you jerked off in the truck or under the apple tree or wherever it was.

Library this!

Mock my librarianism all you want you metal ball throwing turd licker. Well guess what fuckwad, with a little help from a guy called George Boole, I found Ner, you put throwing Trekkie. Thats right, with a little "Ner" AND "Where the fuck is he?" OR "WTF Happened to Ner" NOT "Nerf or nothing" my database spit out the goods.

Ner went back to the 1950s to watch Harry Houdini get out of a straight jacket while dangling from a rope. He thought it'd be a quick in and out job. Boy was he wrong.

He is currently stuck in this clusterfuck and isn't getting out anytime soon. So my mock my skills all you want sissy bitch who is scared of running in a thunderstorm.

Oh and when I am not being a fucking librarian I am in da fucking woods being manly. Which means I actually won't be out of the woods until August 18th. So, if you don't want my manliness at the games go ahead and hold the games on the second weekend. But if you wanna lose to the only man clever enough to find Ner than delay the games til I get back.

Go fuck yourselves gumshoes!

Where the fuck is Ner?

Hafer, I am sick of your stupid library inspired posts. Then next time I see you, I will fucking hang you by the hair in your clean ass crack (see picture of Hafer squatting on the toilet). The unification of the elementary schools was a debacle. Next thing we know, there will be a unification of North America and the currency will be called the Amero...and Mexicans will be allowed to vote for our leader. FUCK.

Does anyone want tetherball in this year's games? I think we should have an exhibition event. Perhaps we could have a contest where we add up the weight of the women we have slept with and whoever has the highest, wins. I suspect Carl may be victorious, I have bedded many a heifer but none in comparison to our tater tot penis friend, Andy Carl.

Will the second week of August work for everyone?

And....WHERE THE FUCK IS NER?!?!?!

What really happened.

Although my comment on Mil-Mil's post may seem accurate, the real story is as follows. Although my obvious mental talents were apparent through my shiny stars plastered upon the lengthy chart below the chalkboard, my physical talents were going unnoticed. I had heard that there existed a special gym class in which athletic peolple were allowed to attend instead of going to class. Brooks Miller was a part of this unusual cult. Now through my keen pre-pubescent detective skills I discovered that Mr. Butterwick was leading this cult of children athletes. Boy was I wrong. (Never trust a 7 year old to do detective work for you.)

What was really going on was Uglug (Leader of the Isengard Uruk-hai) had come to Bern Elementary in search for a strategist to lead his black orcs to the shire. Well B-mil thought he could bargain with Ulug. He proposed that he would deliver a full proof plan to lay waste to the shire if Ulug and the Uruk-hai took a brief stop at center school and obliterated it. (Miller wanted a unified elementary system. His ambitions would later come to fruition in the mid 90s.) Well Ulug was not much for bargaining, so I offer you this photo of the occurence that happened moments before Brooks walked into the class room on that fateful day.

kudos to roger barker's mention

i don't know what's more impressive - mark's reference to roger barker, considering hafer only got to bern township elementary halfway through the year that saw the exit of roger barker, or the fact that hafer reminds every single person we both meet that i was crying like a bitch in mrs. tranquillo's class the first day he met me. just so we're clear, i was only crying because school was so fucking easy for me it was unbearable, considering my relative 7 year-old genius. or maybe it was because my glow-in-the-dark sweatshirt of stars and planets wasn't working. either way, it was totally justified.

on a serious note. what does everyone think of steering the games a more "mature" direction? by this, of course, i don't mean stop talking trash or anything. i mean, why don't we play for something concrete? each team has a "registration fee," which is basically just a donation they raise on their own, and each team has a charity they favor. whoever wins, their charity wins as well. so for example, dane will argue for the humane society so pegleg, food-hiding, couch-burrowing mutts like anton continue to find homes, while carl will argue for the center for the preservation of lesser-known schuylkill valley athletes from 2002-2007. they'll have to hash it out amongst themselves.

i figure since we have the dedicated experience of veteran "canner" matt mccowan, we'll easily be able to paint our faces and raise some dough for a worthy cause (go state!). this will allow us to do some interesting things. in my experience with beer festivals, i've learned that charity events pretty much allow you to get money for absolutely anything. i.e. beer festivals can get an otherwise impossible-to-get liquor license in downtown public areas simply because they're donating to charity. if we found someone with a decent camera and some iVideo (or whatever its called) skillz, we could also make a commemorative dvd of each year's events, documenting the shit-talking through the championship. all because it's for charity. also, sponsorship for things like those t-shirts we talked about would be way easier - and maybe i could even get a small beer donation from troegs (or maybe not). anyway, it's worth a look. MULL it over and let me know...


and go tickle your own taints. cheers!

The Formula

Oh I get it theres a formula to making funny KPMG blog posts. It goes like this.

1. Find the first picture that comes up when you type in Schuylkill Valley. (I'll use the second picture in this case). Check

2. Mention key locales - Hmm Lake Ontalaunee, Herbines (thats retro for Ozzy's. Bonus Points!), the area behind the Somat. Check

3. Make obscure references to people that are either: A - key figures in your years at SV or B - so obscure people say "Oh shit I completely forgot about that bitch!" I'm gonna go with B. Watchout post '00 grads you may actually have no clue who I am talking about. Roger Barker and Teresa Wesner. Check

4. Now tell your story. It should probably be related to the games but it doesn't have to be. Oh and your picture doesn't have to relate to your story either. So you essentially just have to be a total douchebag. try and use big words so you sound smart and if someone posts a comment about how stupid you are just turn it back on them but add "..your face.." somewhere in there because "your mom" is old. Pun intended. Here goes.

Yo guys for the games what we should do is have everyone start on one side of lake ontelaunee and build a raft and then paddle to the other side. And then uh Dane can throw Roger Barker over the fence at Herbines and he can steal go-karts that we can race back to Miller's house. Where the final event is a Bukake fest and the first one to nut on Teresa Wesner's face wins.

AP Newswire: Will Kirby's Games Go On Amid Tibet Upheaval?

DAUBERVILLE (Reuters) - Dauberville's large Chinese American community is divided about the KPMG torch's passage through their city on Wednesday, with some saying protesting the symbol headed to their ancestral home could prove an embarrassing distraction.

"A majority of Chinese Americans are proud of China in the way they have raised the standard of living," said Bob Voelker, who practiced as a doctor in the city's Chinatown for 43 years before retiring two years ago.

"Leesport used to be called the sick man of Asia and for them to be hosting the Kirby Puckett Memorial Games is something they take pride in," he continued through a drunken slur outside of the Village. But then he mentioned the controversy over Leesport's control of Tibet. "They put more money in Tibet than they take out. It's not like Tibet is full of oil." He then rode off in a feverish pace to get back to work in time for his 11am start at SVHS.

Leesport's crackdown on anti-government protests in Tibet last month has drawn sharp international criticism and clouded preparations for the Memorial Games.

Dauberville is the most Chinese of any large American city, with nearly 20 percent of its population of Chinese descent, and thus a logical choice to host the only U.S. torch stop en route to the former Twins' memorial games which start in August.

Yet famously liberal Dauberville has long been a hotbed of political protest, from the Vietnam War in the 1960s to the hiring of Chris Gallo as basketball coach in recent years. Groups concerned about Tibet as well as those focused on Darfur, Africa, say the Dauberville torch run is perfect place to complain about Chinese policies.

"I think the Puckett torch now provides an ideal opportunity for global civil society to mobilize support for their causes and appeals," said Michael Pihanich, a human rights activist and Miami Heat dance team member.

"What's happening in Tibet only makes this fact even more intensified and focused," he continued. "It is inevitable that this event, the Puckett torch, becomes a focus for all kinds of protesters to deliver their messages to Chinese government as well."

I am the Prophet of God

Listen, we all know I am the Prophet of God. I know some of you are thinking, "Muaaah, Prophets were so 2000 years ago." (yes, I know I used this on my blog earlier) but still. I am the most dominant player in the history of KPMG. Never has my team finished lower than 2nd and my team is always in the title hunt. This is because of my dominance and extra skin on my penis. The Power has recognized that I am the most natural individual in the games (Brooks has a tattoo). I shall forever control and dominate these games.

This years games:
1. 5 teams of three.
2. Maybe only one day of games followed by a huge fucking party.
3. The games have to be on a Saturday.
4. Ner is the Warden who makes all final rulings and judgements.
5. Tug of War?
6. This is Malones last chance for the games.
7. Brooks has to show up on time.
8. I am crucified and rise from the dead at the end of the games and then walk on water.

A six-step idea for the Opening Ceremonies

(1) Carl stands on a platform above a giant balance scale and starts shaving his body. When enough hair drops onto the scale, it tips and hits a tuning fork. (2) Heins hears the tuning fork's pitch and begins singing an incredibly loud note next to a huge glass of tequila. Soon the glass breaks, sending tequila running directly into (3) White's mouth, who's standing beneath it. When White's done drinking the tequila, he gets drunk and gets into an SUV. He drives about a quarter mile before (4) crashing into a canopy shielding Bauer from the sun's harmful UV rays. Bauer instantly turns red from sunburn, causing a bull at a nearby farm to start charging towards him. (5) Ner finds this so hilarious that he throws Bauer the hook. Attached to Ner's hook is a magnifying glass, which, at its raised level, (6)causes the sun's rays to heat up the KPMG torch, situated right next to Ner. 7) The games begin.

The Humor is Lacking?

Check out this guy! He got a worm in his eye! AHAHAHAHA LMAO LOL ROFL FUCKING HILARIOUS!

some ground rules for punks

since we now have chumps from all sides posting up in this j, it's time to start laying some shit down.

1. midget humor is so 2003. including fat midget humor. get creative carl, your sense of humor has to have matured by now, i've seen glimmers of hope in the past, but this regression, while a plus for its use of singlets, is juvenile.

2. chris beissel is not funny

3. the level of competition we're looking to foster here is serious. these bastards make us look like a bunch of candyasses. get on it.

4. the power of the hook is devastating. take a look at the waste lain upon these jokers' faces:

"please, put that hook away," reasoned ted

after having herr k's hook forcefully thrown in their faces, they clearly endured no less than two others, with a possible third, a rare "thumb hook" thrown by the obviously experienced hook-tossing broad in the black sweater:

"i ain't puttin this hook away fer shit, professor plaid. hawks, what!"

now that we have a better understanding of the rules, maybe we can make some progress here. or maybe i have to get all hamburg up in this shit. you decide.

Herr Ka: Berks County Neo Nazi Chapter President

...or he's pissed about drunks and druggies (White, Adam Beissel, The Ultimate Warrior) flocking to his neighborhood streets.


Auf Wiedersehen, rehab.


O, and um, RIP Kirby.

Great essay, Moerder!

My favorite part of Noam's historical reflection was when he described the random black bartender doing flips in the background. Also does anybody else suspect from the deep, soulful voice that Rick Astley is actually a black man wearing a "white guy" suit for his performances?

Cool Article I found in New York Times

Check out this interesting Noam Chomsky essay on the history of tetherball...

"The Playground's Hegemony" - Chomsky

Hey Fuckers

Some great new ideas mentioned so far... navigating the pump trolley while wearing a fake mustache and barbershop-quartet era clothing would be good. Also, the wilderness race and/or scavenger hunt around Schuylkill Valley/Leesport would be awesome. It would have to be created by an impartial member, and not somebody with, oh lets say two children invested in the games. Actually, I think teams should be selected in a less arbitrary fashion this season as well. As was previously mentioned, I have little chemistry with Hines or Walborn, and I test Bauer with every fiber of my being. A team consisting of myself, Moerder, and White would not only foster pride of the White Oak Circle, but it would also lead to more intense competition. The games should both begin and conclude with Dane spreading his glorious asshole for all the world (mostly the females) to see. Speaking of females Dane, remember when you made Janelle Garipoli watch that porno in your basement of that fat bald guy wearing the cockring? She had such a look of terror in her eyes.

Outfits for the Games (with Turbins as a given)

While all of the events generated here on this lovely forum (thank you, Moerder) are swell, I think we really need to step up on uniforms.

Since the majority of the KPMGer's are in this blog, we have ample time to come up with an amazing opening ceremony, but more importantly, outfits that will finally make the Staus' pack up their Mormon paraphernalia and hit the road.

While the outfits to my left are quite tempting, I will ultimately be compared to the guy searching for my tootsie roll. And while I don't necessarily mind being ridiculed for my mediocre meat, teal is not a good color for me.

I suggest the following outfits for the 5(?) teams. Pirates outfits (noble pirates, not swashbucklers), Ms. Otto, Mrs. Sterner, and the lesbian swimming instructor, the old ladies who serve me BBQ at Schell's, and past irrelevant SV wrestlers ( I call Jason Kreider).

the jigger or kalamazoo

hafer's plan to utilize the underused railway for the allentown cement company is genius. to locate one of these beauties, it's helpful to first know they're called handcars, pump trolleys, pump cars, or the two names in the subject heading.

another extrapolation from the numbers moerder was running in his future program, this picture shows what the games will be like in 2015. andy carl, on the right, will hold binoculars on his lap, because it's difficult to see far on the barren surface of the moon. on the left, bauer will apply the hand brake because being an asshole will be quantified and scored, giving their team a clear unfair advantage. dane's bastard pakistani quadruplets will be forced to push us everywhere for all games, seen here at the ripe age of 6.

additionally, mustachios will be necessary to filter out the massive amounts of noxious sulfur still left in the final stages of terraforming the moon. and, of course, the hats will be worn out of sheer coolness. turbans will be optional, except for dane's bastard children.

Yet Another New Event Proposal

What if Chiyo wrote up a scavenger hunt around the SV school district? For example, your first little mission would say like "If thou doth desire donuts, headeth here for a tasty treat" and then where would you head? Bam, the Dutch Touch. Then you get a clue that says "Find the biggest of bucks" and your team drives to the Big Buck Hunter game in the Village Tavern. Basically by the end of the scavenger hunt all participants will be drunk and stuffed with pastries, and the team that arrives back at the KPMG site wins. I don't know, I think it's cool...

Pump and Dump

So this is what I was talking about adding to the adventure race. Except down the tracks behind Miller's. I haven't quite figured out where to get one of these but I am sure there are some at the Leesport Farmers Market that we could pick up some Wednesday. This picture is from when Gary Busey took me and 9 year old Mike Chervanick home from Harrisburg last Sunday. It was a blast! And I should say "we took him home" that drunk fucker just sat there and talked about Jesus while me and little Mike Pumped away.
So go fuck yourselves (theres a 90% chance you won't get an STD)

cade mcnown's tugboat

instead of wieners or normal, brute-strength tugging, we could also rope joust. rope jousting is a game which could only have been invented by nerds at MIT who were not even good enough to make the ultimate frisbee team as pony-squad alternates.

as shown by mccowan's hippie evil twin, you stand on a cement block, and your opponent stands on one 30 feet away. you have a rope between you and you either make them fall off their block or snatch the rope out of their nerdy hands.

Additionally, I think if we made a way lamer version of those super long wilderness races, it would be cool. Imagine this:

Andy Carl in a round inner tube signed by John Runyan with a single paddle, starting at the base of blue falls. He has to paddle furiously past the iron bridge where he hands off his Kirby Puckett wooden BATon to Dane (who is grabbing his uncircumcised penis beneath his spandex track shorts). Dane sprints to the road where a power wheels awaits his arrival. He drives the power wheels to the top of Miller hill, where the BATon is passed to a pasty-yet-splotchy bare-chesticled Nate Bauer. In the final stage of the race, Bauer ambles toward the finish line where he picks up a Nerf weapon and fires three shots at a target for additional points. The scoring would need to weight the skills and times evenly, but i think it could be done. Ponder it.

And also, suck a dick.

Tug of War

So unless you are a fucking wimp, we are gonna do tug of war like this. And yes, I read the blogger use policy and they told me I can't upload nudity, but how else was I gonna describe the future of the games. So uhm, NOT IT! Sorry, Miller and Reigel you will have to Rock paper scissors for who goes. Don't worry though I have a good feeling we might win by forfeit. All you other bitches are going down!

Possibility of shirts for the Games

All right, the lady in the cubicle next to me at work may be able to help us get serious shirts for this years games. Besides having stress medication induced flatulence almost all day long, she also has a husband who has a T-shirt silk-screening business.

I need numbers and colors and a price ceiling (or floor) that everyone can live with. This guy was my Under 14's soccer coach when I lived in Reading, so I ought to be able to get him to not fleece us on the prices.

Please let me know what you think and go fuck your collective selves.

Long Live Puckett (in our hearts, of course)

I ran some numbers into a computer, and this is what we will all look like at KPMG 50 in the year 2052

Notice the barren landscape? In the future, KPMG will be played on the moon. As for the hats, they will be worn because they look really cool.

a haven for all who cherish lawn games

I'm happy to see puckett's bucket finally has a permanent home on the interweb. For easy access, simply boot up your cpu, log onto the world wide web through your internet service provider, open your web crawler and browse away.

My issue this year: teams. Dane and I talked about 5 teams of 3 to increase competition, and I think having people you like on your team is also key to elevate the level of trash talking and belittling. For example, my proposed team of me, mark hafer, and matt riegel will suit me much better than chris beissel. While he is the BMOC, i feel a lack of representation with the golden-haired wonder by my side.

Also, I think tug-of-war http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tug_of_war_at_the_Summer_Olympics, a former Olympic sport, should grace the games this season.

As far as dates go, the later in august the better for me.


Munson the Elder

Welcome to the Official KPMG Blog

Fellow Pucketeers,

I've created this blog in the hopes that much fruitful discussion will come out of it. Here's the planned schedule for the year:

June-August: Posts about the Games, possible events, scheduling, who's bringing the taco salad, etc.

Rest of year: Posts on philosophy, politics, music, cutting edge workouts, Where Are They Now? updates on weird people from Schuylkill Valley, Star Trek and the activity of Dane's bowels.

Also I'd like to remind you all that being on this blog is a privilege, not a right. Any shit-talking and/or making-fun-of will not be tolerated.

Just kidding, please shit-talk and make fun of everyone all the time.

Sincerely,

2nd Elder of KPMG and Defending KPMG Champion